The Problem with Praise

In college, I read an article for one of my early childhood education courses about how generalized praise can wind up doing more harm than good for children. Initially, it was a surprising message and a concept that was tough to get on board with. "Of course we should praise children! Why wouldn't we? It's essential to their self-esteem and learning." 

But after further consideration, discussion, and real-world observation, it started making a lot of sense. I became convinced and decided to make a change in the way I interact and communicate with children.

In the past three years, I've intentionally cut way back on my generalized praising of children. This was a habit that was initially very hard to break (though it helped to have a supervisor observing me and counting exactly how many times I said "Good job!" or other empty phrases of praise while interacting with children). But after a lot of conscious effort, I've all but eliminated "good job" from my vocabulary. You'd be hard pressed to hear me saying "I like it!" or "That's a beautiful painting!" to a child anymore. Now before you go thinking I must be a cold-hearted person to deny a child from receiving such praise for their efforts, hear me out.

Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn has been on my must-read list for two and a half years. I must've checked it out from the library half a dozen times and never got around to reading it. I'm happy to say that I finally finished it and was so encouraged and reaffirmed in my convictions about how, when, and why we should praise children.

Kohn's main premise is that, as a society and culture, we are all functional behaviorists.

"Do this and you'll get that."

We use it to raise children, teach students, and motivate employees. The use of rewards has become such a constant, natural, and inevitable part of life, that even raising the question, "Why are we doing this?" can strike us as perplexing.

Children have a natural desire to please their parents, teachers, and those they care about. They crave approval, but this universal desire to please must be treated with caution. We have an enormous responsibility not to exploit it for our own purposes.

Praise, at least as commonly practiced, is a way of using and perpetuating children's dependence on us... It sustains a dependence on our evaluation, our decisions about what is good and bad, rather than helping them begin to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and offer the positive words they crave (Kohn, 104).

Kohn presents the reader with so much data by so many researchers.... research that has been taking place for decades and continues to produce the same findings... and yet so many people are still not convinced. I highly recommend that you read the book for yourself, but the following are some of the main points about how we are actually punished by the use of rewards:

1. Every carrot contains a stick. What we've failed to recognize is that "rewards and punishments are not opposites at all; they are two sides of the same coin," (Kohn, 50). Saying "Do this and you'll get that" is really not that different than saying "Do this or here's what will happen to you."

2. Extrinsic motivation (rewards, praise, etc.) kills intrinsic motivation by decreasing interest in the activity, discouraging risk-taking, and harming relationships. The important thing to note, therefore, is that "extrinsic motivators are most dangerous when offered for something we want children to do," (Kohn, 87).

3. Praise implies a power imbalance. Older children and adults may hear praise as condescending, as a reminder of the greater power of the person giving the praise.

4. Asking "How do I get kids motivated?" is still operating within a framework of control, the very thing that crushes motivation. To "motivate a child" is to take away their choice. Instead, we can influence how they motivate themselves by creating an environment that offers appealing options that lead to successful learning and performance.

"When given an environment in which they don't feel controlled and in which they are encouraged to think about what they are doing (rather than how well they are doing it), students of any age will generally exhibit an abundance of motivation and a healthy appetite for challenge." (Kohn, 199).

5. Saying "I like your painting" is a judgment. A value statement. You could just as easily say, "I don't like your painting." And the child knows this. The child is internalizing the message: "She likes my work today, but what if she doesn't like it tomorrow?"

6. Offer comments and observations rather than compliments. "Praise is cheap and easy. By contrast, it takes skill and care and attention to encourage people in such a way that they remain interested in what they are doing and don't feel controlled," (Kohn, 112). When comments are offered with warmth and concern, children will feel encouraged.

Avoid: "What a pretty painting! I like it!" (general, value judgment)
Instead: "I see that you used lots of red paint. Look at all those circles! This one is really big. What were you thinking about while you were painting this?" (specific, neutral comments)

7. Praise what people do rather than the person. Making general, sweeping statements trains children to think globally and make themselves the issue in whatever they do. It becomes harder to separate their actions from who they are as a person, which can lead to grandiosity and self-contempt (Kohn, 108).

Avoid: "You are great at building block towers!" (judges the child's abilities, creates pressure to perform well in the future)
Instead: "That tower you built is very tall. I can see that you worked hard on it!" (specific, encourages their efforts rather than the outcome)

I hope that if this is a new concept for you that you'd let it challenge your thinking and interactions with children. I'd encourage you to read this book and continue to do your own research on the topic if you'd like to learn more. If this concept is a framework within which you already operate, I hope you've been reaffirmed in your efforts!

Click here to discover a better way to affirm children and to  gain some alternatives to the empty phrase "good job."