Alternatives

My last post about the problem with praise appears to have been fairly popular. I love that this research, though scientists and psychologists have been teaching this exact same message for a long time, continues to be so relevant to us today. We still tell children (and employees, co-workers, etc.) "good job" all the time even though we can all agree that it is one of the most empty, overused phrases out there.

It has become a reflexive, knee-jerk reaction!

"Good job on this project."
"You ate all your peas...Good job!"
"Good job picking up your toys!"
"I like how you looked both ways before crossing the street. Good job!"
"This looks great. Good job!"

We typically use this phrase when we want to express happiness, pleasure, and pride.
So what can we say instead of the meaningless "good job"?

1. Say "Thank You." Often we say "good job" when a child does something helpful. Instead of praising them for it, say "thank you!"

• Thank you for picking up your toys. That's really helpful for me.
• Thank you for holding my hand when we walked across the street. I love to know you're safe.
• Thank you for wiping up that spill. Now I can keep working on a clean counter.

2. Make an Observation. Perhaps your comment will lead to further and deeper conversation. Making a neutral statement allows the child to share whatever he'd like, lead the conversation, and tell you what's on his mind. 

• You used red and blue markers in your drawing today.
• This block tower is so tall!
• I see that you're cutting that paper into very small pieces!
• That was one big jump you just did!

3. Focus on the Action. Rather than focusing on the outcome of a task, notice the process and comment on the action without judgment. 

• I see that you're working very hard on your painting.
• You practiced that song a lot.
• Wow. That looks tricky!
• Your concentration got the job done so quickly today.

4. Nurture Empathy. Take the opportunity to encourage pro-social interactions and develop your child's emotional intelligence by pointing out others people's feelings and reactions. Rather than saying, "I like the way you shared your snack with John!" say, "You shared your snack with John, and now he is smiling! How do you think he feels?" This is very different than praise which focuses on how you feel about the action (i.e. sharing). Instead, you're teaching the child to notice the feelings of others and how his actions can influence them.

5. Ask a Question. Take an interest in what the child is doing and learning. Ask open-ended questions.

• You used red and blue markers in your drawing today. What were you thinking about when you chose those colors?
• This block tower is so tall! What will you build next?
• I see that you're cutting that paper into very small pieces! What is your plan for those pieces?
• That was one big jump you just did! What else can your body do?

6. Remain Silent. Often, we praise children because we feel like we should and not because the children expect or need to be praised. You might be amazed to find that children will continue to build with blocks, go down the slide, and paint on their paper without our empty praises! Staying our praise also allows children to experience the undiluted joy and feelings of competence after completing a difficult task or successfully trying something new. Rather than having them look to us and ask, "Was that good?" they can confidently say, "I did it!"